Bad Mood

i had a real bad mood yesterday

the thing with bad mood
is that you WANT TO STAY WITH IT
as looooooooooooooong as it takes

and then, had i had my fiancé in front of me
i would have smashed his head

lol
hehehe

so,
having a bad mood is OK
actually it is important to avoid it
  

however..is also important to see,,who is watching the bad mood,,?..


is the witness
is the arising and passing away..of mental citta factors
(citta = is our attention, the mental + emotional sides)

if you do NOT do it on the spot..you CAN get stuck on bad citta

this is WHY i was SO MUCH ENGROSSED in that BAD MOOD
that i did not want to calm down
for i had taken it as MY ID by then, so much i identified myself with it


and why it was so?
because i refused to meditate..while in the BAD mood..to ,,see,, the mood

so meditation ON THE SPOT
allow us to SEE ourselves, here to see my bad mood

but true, 
who wants to SEE that which is bad? 
i prefer on the spot to have a fighting character 
a real bad one
instead of seeing it passing 

which means
preferring to identify more and more with it by allowing time to pass like that
instead of seeing it passing!

that is so stupid of me
hopefully 
next time i will raise my energy ON THE SPOT
to SEE the state of emotions i am IN

so that it JUST be a PASSING thing 
as it was MEANT TO BE

and NOT something sticky lol



     

Boredom

i realised that actually i feel bored
when things goes into routine
and seems no more working

and i had forgotten!
that joy is the key

JOY/Love is the ONLY power
that works

which means
if i do something
without joy then it will bear no fruits

this means NOT to submit to the task like a slave
and call it joy
or force joy upon myself

this means to INITIATE a VERSION of that task
in MY MIND that would BRING JOY
and eventually i could FEEL JOY in my heart

this changes everything

so now, lol
i took part in a game to win a week end somewhere in some castle

so what i did
is first i imagined myself at this place
wondered FIRST
WHAT joy is close to this scene to me

so for me
it was the stone of the castle
i like the touch of it

the wind of the place
that gives sensation of freedom up high
a castle up high on a cliff

and under the sea
the waves sound is fabulous

and of course
a good green forest nearby
to feel refreshed in the morning

while having my breakfast in the garden!

;)
as i felt the joy of the version of the scene
then, i let it go
in the silence


i have to win !
for otherwise why i would have felt the joy?

if i felt it, then it is real

it is JUST the timing of it
that i am not in control of

as i have been told
you do your share : the WHAT
and let GOD care for the : WHEN (why, who etc.)

The Spirit

i had today a nice dream

ah that was beautiful and glorious
i saw the spirit
raising like a huge flame
and it raised in front of shri mataji who was next to me

and he raised so that she too recognises its grandeur   
as she did, she bowed to it 

i liked that

that was truly real scene for the word Glory

now somehow i will do what i can, to get this too   

i have to , because this kind of glory i have never seen it in daily life
i just wish dream does not faint in my mind otherwise i forget my drive  
out of boredom at times

(why?
cf next post)

it was beautiful 

because when i look at it again
first, nothing else existed in the attention 
except 

only this great and i don t know for what reason, beautiful flame it was, rising

third it was really powerful and especially superior on its own

and when i look back at it , there is no question rising or doubts if it was good or not and to what limit

i can breathe well