suddenly i just remembered my past
when i was seeking truth
and there was no one
really no one
to hear me
no one was in my world
yes
for someone to be in your world
he needs to listen to you
to share something
even a little thought of truth with you
but there was no one
and those who were the most "near"
by then to the title of seeker of truth
or of the worshipper of the One
where all blind
because they could not see me how i was
they heard me talking in order to change me
because i was not fitting in their world
and it was a proof against them
but they never listened to me.
so their own pain was
of seeing me like this,
sad because i found not what i was seeking,
so to solve their pain
they only thought
the right solution
was that i became like them
while some others
just deserted
may be they were better than the formers
because at least
they were not trying to color me in their own color
against my will
they only saw no solution
to help me find truth
so they stopped believing in me
ever reaching it
but when nothing left
and i only saw everyone
just helpless for me
i understood
they are unable to hear me
because themselves
they cannot hear their own self
they think all is ok within them
so how can they wish themselves to change for the better?
as a result they wanted to change others
and me too
thinking i had lost mind
seeking and speaking about truth
while all that was, was the life in the now
but themselves
if they had the true words
they were not living them
they were not and still are not living in the now
it was such a hard time
it was hell to me
i had really reached the end of all possibility
of my own world, religion as man understand it
i sought all over
towards the end
i sought fervently, asking even to strangers about inner truth
but all they could do was just give me dead word of advice
nothing real
nothing that could transform me into the likeness of the world of truth
that was so hard
because innerly i knew i was coming to my end
for, i knew that all the past ten years i had sought for truth
whenever i used to do zikr
or read good lines
or any sufi translation and interpretation of some inner self meaning
i felt day dreaming
and the dreams were gradually becoming my hopeful world
because they were so much filled with beauty about God
even though by word
i knew God is within
i took dreams, which were only the effect of this search,
as real, as my reality
thinking they would help me to make right choice in real life
these dreams were true
but they were not giving me the key of what is surrender to God
and how i could achieve it
so i just wished surrender
because this would have been my protection
against this crazy world
where only living, working, eating, marrying and reproducing was an aim
as i had tried every possibility
i knew i was at the end
because i tested my belief
i tested people who claimed to be on the right path
and i found nothing
no one
as no help was coming
i did with what i have
when i looked into myself
i saw that the only thing that remained
while i lost everything
because it passed not the test
it was my desire
and so i admitted to myself
that only my desire for truth is left to me
and that is the only thing true in me
and that if this very thing could not be fulfilled
or if it cannot get a reply
if it cannot just by Itself attract what is to be attracted
for me to progress
then
i was at the end of my life
even if people who "cared" for me
thought they were being caring
by wanting me to be like them
and forget this desire
then they were not caring for me
but only for themselves
for their own world to exist
and me as exception to be converted
to the rules of theirs
so that everything goes back to normal
but even so,
even if i had wished to comply
i could not
because the desire was there
and nothing could change It
remove it or make me forget it
it was like it was just me
so i could hear it crying
can one say so?
can a desire cry?
at least i was the one crying
one may think
how is it possible to cry for something so abstract
but it was not
it was just the underlying drive
it was my drive
and a drive left unfulfilled
becomes your hell
if not your heaven
but when i found the key
to get colored into the color of God
when i found the Help of the Spirit
this is when i cried from relief
so heavy it had been prior to it
and only those who are aware of This spirit within
know it
see it
and are with me.
since then
i was never alone
i learned again to forget this painful striving
and leave it in the past
because it was like a torture
never ever in my life i had lived that
nor i will ever live it
it feels like i had reached the bottom of a bottomless pit
just before my life changed for the best
i had seen joyous signs paving the way to it
while doing zikr in my room
i had seen all of a sudden
Mother mary taking out water out of well
and then i saw her
washing her small tiny room where she used to live
and her face was beaming with joy
because she was happy and yes in joy to wash it
face beaming with joy
and a heart so content
you know why?
because all of her attention was on this single task
and she was all at joy and peace on this unique thing she was doing
then i got my spontaneous self realisation
and right the night after i saw in a vision
my own birth
later,
i understood
that it was what in christianity
jesus called "to be born twice,
first of flesh, then of water"
even after that
if i had remained on my own
i would have never lasted long
it is ONLY because of a kind fate
can one say so?
that i found my way to progress
to transformation
to change for the best.
so, only the remembering of the past
can truly make me appreciative of the now
but i sort of worked hard to forget it
not to have to remember
how people are in truth
their own enemies
and thus of their own kind,
unknowingly.
yes, they think to do good
but they most of time only do the wrong thing
they think to help
but have been only been the very obstacle
because they are ignorant of their self
so are oblivious to them and thus to the other seeker of truth.
i hope
i will use my time
to the best of its use
by meditating everyday
to the best of my ability.
ameen.
