Saturday 15 December 2012

My Story




Writing my story? There is no story, for it is my life, my whole life testimony of seeking Truth, of WHAT for do i exist.

As far as i remember, on the first day i entered into the nursery,
while walking towards of the entrance of the door, i had apprehension, feeling heavy in the belly,
for i was entering into life, without remembering what for i came here. Yet it was important.
How could you start a project without having a plan?  I had forgotten my purpose...
and to reassure myself i said  " it is ok, i still have time, don't worry".

When i entered my teens, my father used to tell me, the stories of the prophets,
how they were sent to humanity to warn people and give those who heeded their warning
glad tidings of salvation.

La ilaha illa Allah Muhammad Rassoul Allah, he said. If you say it believing it with your heart, you enter into
heaven.
so i said it. and I was expecting to be on the spot transported into heaven, up there.
into the Kingdom of God.
i watched myself, and the surrounding, I was still there...
why living life to play roles in it, while i could enter heaven right now and enjoy!  : )
For i wished to know how earth, no how universe has been created, i wished to ask God, for He knows all, everything,
from dinausor era to this period of time where Giants were on Earth and built such immense buildings in Egypt and also all kinds of
other secrets veiled from me. For i wished to knew all and everything that has been created. For if it HAS BEEN created, then it HAS a valid purpose, created to fit
a GREATER plan, a beautiful plan that i wish to peep into.
hey, yes! in heaven you have all you wish for. So why am i still there and living a limited life? to keep up apparences? have i been created to "keep up apparences?"
what a waste of time while the heart yearns for greater things. Yes, i was aware of my heart desire so why should i shove it under the carpet as if it is impossible?
No, if i became AWARE of it then it SHOULD been fulfilled at one point or the other. This is the most honorable thing for which i have been created.
To honor, and GIVE LIFE to MY HEART DESIRE.


When i grew up, i read in the Holy Quran :

And (remember) when thy Lord brought forth from the Children of Adam, from their reins, their seed, and made them testify of themselves, (saying): Am I not your Lord? They said: Yea, verily. We testify. (That was) lest ye should say at the Day of Resurrection: Lo! of this we were unaware; (Surah al-A’raf, 172)

So Allah asked the souls: “Am I not your Lord?” and we ALL replied: “Yes.”

So i wondered why do i remember it NOT? i used to walk down in the street, see people face, and no one seemed to have this light in the eyes, saying yes i do remember.
all their looks were blank.
i felt such a love story of creation it is, i remember that i remember not. so now it is in in God's Hand to make me remember. But again, remember what?

Funny, the other name of quran is  "Az zikr", which means "Remember".
So, true, it does mean that i have to remember something i have been taught "before" and that i forgot now. So i have my task, to REMEMBER
so that i may fulfil my heart desire and enter into the Kingdom of God.


but remember what? hmmm. That is another headache.
Then, i completed my studies with a Master degree. And when i looked ahead, how my future could be,
i saw routine. I saw people going to work, coming back tired, raising a family while facing issues like any other casual person
same livelihood related issues as the former generations of ours. This depressed me! NO, i was sure it is NOT the life i wished for.

Life has more to give. I had more to give to LIFE. But living like this into a closed movie, repeating over and over again
the same tasks, while life is so full of creativity, it is not normal!

I was so happy, when i had walks in nature. I had no thoughts, it was like i enter into heaven, and i, this mind, body,
my past or any plans of future, exist not. Nature is so healing. Making you forget what you are, a bundle of issues with some pinches of joy here and there,
but not fully in bliss, as i was in nature. totally feeling light and happy.

Like when a baby is born, naturally she draws towards it like a magnet everyone's around and they all smile!

and it struck me a saying of the prophet muhammad  (peace be upon him) who said : each child is born on the true religion, but his parents corrupt it.

true, after we all grow up, we lose that light from our face, that beam of light, which used to naturally attract all joy around us and to us.
so i wished back my innocence. Can innocence be given back, when one has an adult mind? For our mind is like a record, it remembers pain
how could i then erase everything and get back that innocence and glitter on the face?

When back at home, i was going into a room when i heart on tv, surah Ar Rahman from the Quran, where Allah was so kindly
speaking about all of what He has created, pointing at only Goodness in His creation, goodness upon goodness, it was all pointing
to the Grace of Nature. and each time after a gift of Grace was enumerated, it was saying, dear ones wake up,  I am pointing you to my favors,
but you "which of my favors will you deny?"

when i heard this i got frozen.

so beautiful it was, and so beautiful and sincere God is towards His creation. Never ever had i ever seen such sincerity.
To give just out of pure joy without expecting in return, except for us to see Him, and see His Favors and be joyful again. 

But then, i wondered what can i do? God is up there, and i am here, a mere human being. What is the link?
It is said in sufi tradition, Allah said :
"I was a hidden treasure and I loved to be known; so I created the creatures and made Myself known to them; so they knew Me."

But how? How could i know God?
and in dream, i got the answer i prayed to God "Give me Knowledge" and i saw myself going into a library looking for books,
and when i opened one, there was intead a note in it, which said "Know thyself"

Indeed, Sages have said "Know yourself, and you will know God".
Who am I? Well, it is easy,
I am Maryam, living in France, studied there, have a family and had such and such a past. What more is need to know? I Know who i am.

Yet, I knew not God...
I had said La ilaha illa Allah Muhammad Rassoul Allah, and was still not in heaven. Right NOW. I wanted Truth RIGHT NOW.
For if it is God Promise that Kingdom of Heaven is here, then why am i not in?
God said so kindly 'which of my favor will you deny?'
and answered "i deny none".

But then, i realied how could I (= a sum of thougths and past experiences and future expectations) may with this personality near God?
So if i was Nature or a baby, I would be into this Kingdom of God.
So, how to purify myself? It is said in the scripture "Surrender to God". But how do i surrender? where is God? to find Him, it is said, i have to know myself,
and to know myself i have to purify myself. For how could an insincere person could purify herself? it is like using mud to clean mud.
To purify, to clean, you need water.

Then, i sought in quran that it says
"when We designated for Abraham the site of the House, [saying], "Do not associate anything with Me and purify My House for those who perform circumbulation 4and those who stand [in prayer] and those who bow and prostrate."

This House of God, Temple, Kaaba is our OWN body, it is ourself!

Indeed, when i decided to read again the story of Abraham, who had FOUND his Lord, when he was seeking Him.

He looked at the sun, at the moon, at the stars, yes : ) even at the statues created by men's hands that they worshiped, and concluded for each of them, they are NOT lasting. they canNOT be The Lord
when he rejected all of this, all of this was OUT of his self,

how can one be dependent upon a power that itself needs its rest, set or is not there when one needs it? 
even less an object to which we GIVE power such as status....or thoughts, or past experience or future plans of ours that is such a waste. 
to give importance to that which we have created!
Yes i got it! I had created an IMAGE of myself, by equalling myself with my thoughts, of past and future.

So i should purify myself of this!

Thus did We show Abraham the kingdom of the heavens and the earth that he be one of those who have Faith and certainty.

So WHERE DID ABRAHAM TURN once he turned outside and rejected everything and found God?
INSIDE.

that was the answer!
Then, i was reading the quran with the hope of finding a clue about surrendering to God within,
yes this is all i wanted to find CERTAINTY that God give me the assurance, the PROOF, the SIGN
that i am HIS.

and i found the verse in the quran saying :
2.138
"The (religious indelible) marking (of the believers) of Allah. And who marks better than Allah? And for Him we are worshipers."

Yes, when i read that, yes, it is this! i want that, i want this mark of Allah upon me and be safe and happy and be myself and fulfill my desire
and be purified, in brief i wished for relief to accomplish my honorable purpose of being alive.

and suddenly, this day i felt such a rush of coolness going out of my left arm.
and it started again and did not go away. while there was no window open, and the rest of my body was normal
but then cool breeze was there, on my left arm and then it enveloped the next day my heart, the heart was all cool inside
as if it has been put into cool waters.

it was an intelligent moving coolness, which reappered the next day.
so i sought on the internet, what this cool breeze was and its relation to this verse, so i typed the word "sibghatullah" (the mark of God) and "cool breeze",
and i found out a website speaking of Shri Mataji who explained that it is the holy spirit from within...
I was in awe, for i was feeling it inside of me!

Then, i suddenly remembered, that two years ago, i was meditating in my room under the care of my sufi teacher,
and when i pronounced the word "Ruh ul Quddus" i had felt a cool breeze passing by softly on my face.

and Ruh ul Quddus means the Pure/Holy Spirit in english.
So i understood that all the way, it was there, in me, i just had to desire for it, to get it!

Indeed, i used to see that household appliances, all have their manual , ready to use, to make them work
and i, a human being, such an elaborate creation, i had none delivered when i was born?

As a human being,  we use our mind to copy on nature and create beautiful appliances,
French engineers studied femur bone structure to create Eiffel tower, so that it crumble not on its weight...

so all of this world i live in is man's creation,
but man itself knows itself NOT!
so all secrets must be WITHIN.

And the cool breeze, the Ruh of Allah, the Holy Spirit is the one who is there to purify me from my thoughts of past and futures
which are limiting me to bring me on a path which sets me free to reach my goal of not only accomplishing my pure desire but also of receiving
the Kingdom of God and His Face ultimately once i am thoroughtly purified.

Indeed, in islam, when we pray :
You (alone) we worship; You (alone) we ask for help.
Show us the straight path,
The path of those whom Thou hast favoured;
Not (the path) of those who earn Your anger nor of those who go astray.

And sahaja yoga website showed the three channels which exist in human body,
the left channel contains all of our past
the right contains the future (our thoughts for the future)
once both are purified, we are forgiven all of our "sins"
and the middle channel, is the straight path upon which are showered the favors of God...

leading to His Kingdom, which is the sahasrara on top of head.
as said by Shri Mataji  :

"Lastly, the seventh centre, the most important centre is the
Sahasrara which has got, according to Sahaja Yoga, a thousand
petals. Actually there are a thousand nerves and if you cut the
transverse section of the brain you can see that all these
petal-like structures of the brain are forming a lotus of the
thousand petals. This centre of a thousand petals covers the
limbic area of the brain before Realization like the closed bud
of a lotus. Above this covering is the balloon-like structure of
ego and superego. As the brain is covered completely when these
two institutions join and calcification takes place on top of
the head; that is how we become a closed personality. At the
time of our awakening, of our second birth, this egg-like
personality breaks at the top of the head."

and i could from thereon understand my own scriptures speaking of Purification and Victory :

Chapter of Victory - Holy Quran :

Indeed, We have given you a clear conquest
That Allah may forgive for you what preceded of your sin and what will follow and complete His favor upon you and guide you to a straight path

You can reach the goal of Salvation, which is the biggest Victory
by being forgiven your past sins (all left channel purified) and those to follow/the future (all rigth channel purified)
and once you have freed yourself of your "mondane" way of thinking who you are, you have acquired this mastery, this vicegerency of God on Earth, as spoken of in all
holy scriptures that i all love with all of my heart, then you KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

and this TRUTH sets your FREE.

Indeed, I do not worship anyone else as God, for Allah/God is The Source who has breathe into me, into all of us His Spirit, whose manifestation is the cool breeze/the shakti who brings me back to His Kingdom WITHIN :

"He began the creation of man from dust. [...] Then he made him complete and breathed into him of His spirit and made for you ears and eyes and heart." (Qur'an 32:7-9)

Since, then i keep meditating, so that i may be thouroughly one day purified by the Grace of God to receive His Face.
and this is the way to surrender to the Victory.

And i follow the way Abraham followed. He was named "the upright", for he was on the middle path, the middle channel, which is straight and upright.
And never i could have found the right way to Allah, except by by His Grace :
of literally speaking, taking the "upright way" of which, as my father told me me, the one that ALL prophets have given glad tidings of Victory for those who took it.

So i thank Shri Mataji wholeheartedly for having transmitted this awakening within to the masses.
For without, this Motherly Power, this Very Grace of God, I would have never felt the cool breeze.
And NOW, it is UP to each one of us, to reach the Face of God WITHIN.

All Praise be To God,
Truth sets you free,
indeed.