My story of Seeking Truth - how it started

It has been a whole month,
that i have not written.
: ) sometimes there is so much to say that i just say it outloud
tongue is faster than fingers to relate.

I can't believe how the God within has changed my whole life
within a year
and this God within,
who is the same in you
knows it all.

 i thank this Light for having cast its Gracious eyes upon me
for having saved me from that which i knew not
not only one time, but so many times
so that today, i am still alive

had i died, no one would have known it
and it would have made no difference to the world
it is like our departure add nothing nor remove anything from His Glory.

i had always wondered how is it?
it is because WE ARE this GLORY within!
ALREADY!

so nothing has to change
except the falsity of our mask
which has just to go dust
one just has to let go

to BE.

in uk, i had believe to have found the Absolute Truth.
it was the case.
but i had seen others having found it,
but never had I found it within!

the people i met there
were sufi
no denomination
just their look on their face, startled me

it was as if they had no ego,
no reaction
but were always enjoying
and especially i was intrigued by the "flowing"
all was flowing among them
no attitude,
it was all just there.

i entered the room
and they were talking of bhagva gita, holy bible
of yoga

and i was even more surprised
how could such sanity may emanate from them?

that was naked faith.

in france, i was used to hear about islam
from its historical background.

when i used to hear new convert stories,
and how they entered islam,
i just saw beauty coming from them
i used to call it naked faith
they never ever talked of caliphs etc.
as if it has to be part of faith... to KNOW historical facts
what about those new converts who were so beautiful and yet clueless
of historical facts, upon which muslim community is divided?

all i could just see from them was their sincerity
in their talk, on their spontaneous reaction, and in their manners
and a great yearning for The One
i used to feel it inside
as if it was a soft fire burning
which was hungry to see more of their face

so The One was their goal

but then, for me the horizon was sort of blocked
i could not see more

in uk, i learned the value of the People of the House,
meaning, "the purified ones" who belonged to the family of the prophet.

it was not a blood relationship only, which is being refered to
but a light relationship
a light flowing in these people, called the "people of the House", or "the purified ones"

House, as for House of God
it is by then, i saw in a vision, that my whole body was the Kaaba,
the Holy house of God,
THE BODY WAS THE TEMPLE OF GOD
soooo sacred and PURE

yet, i was so much in love with the dreams themselves
that i was unable to work upon this revelation
of KNOWING THE TRUTH
with the TRUE MIND
that indeed

I AM within, this sacred Light of God,
The Spirit breathed by Allah into Adam
that my true identity is ALL PURE
nothing to add, nor to retrieve
but just to let go
(otherwise it becomes the ego=the hoarding state, which leads to false identification)

when i was back in France
i was just desperate
i could not believe that God had again sent me back
among people
whom i used to look into their eyes
and i could see nothing
i could not find anymore
this strong beauty inside them
as i witnessed it over there

i could try to relate it to them
and in advance i knew they would never understand what i was talking about
yet, i went against my intuition
and told them what i sought in them and could not see
so desperate i had grown,
it was like the END of the world for me
i had the impression of dying every minute to say the least
a true dying
with its pain
and anguish that soon a real death with come
and i would depart without realising

the FACE OF GOD.

i could see in visions
small lights becoming one into the Big Light,
The Face of God

and i was there
and no one could see me.
and i kept looking into people eyes,
or at their face
and on the spot i knew,
"drop it, they can't see you"

because once you have seen the Standard of Truth
then, you know all the rest is fake
it is just that people themselves know it not.

so sincere some were,
they were really trying to bring me what i wanted
but that was all vain,
for they were using their mind to do it
they wanted to help me
that is by then i had a really heavy heart and i was pained
because i knew what i wanted
and they knew it not
and they could not bring it to me
so they too were pained for not being able to help me
and also because no one who has a heart
wish to see someone else in pain and not help

yet, while i was in pain,
i said to myself,
if really they were sincere for me,
if really they wished to help me
they would seek for truth for me
and for me, they would change
and desire what i desire

as myself i was like nailed
unauthorised to join the Light
at least they could, by seeing my genuine pain,
on my behalf, seek it for me, no?

but no one,
really no one
and that was my hardest and lowest time in my life,
EVER,
this i know,
i went to the deepest of despair
and i saw
there was no one
no one who COULD even while being sincerely wanting to help me
NO ONE could help me
because for the first time in my life i saw,
they could not help me, because they refused to help themselves FIRST

and i was waiting,
just waiting to God send person from nowhere
i had decided,
that i won't seek for anyone anymore

because a TRUTHFUL person
is the one who would see me,
and recognise me
he would know who i am,
what was my past,
and what i desire.

he would not just,
would not put limits
would not say this is right and this is wrong
he won't say that "it is too late",

he won't abandon me
as if it be limited time to be with me
out of time and space
was REAL
why?
because my desire for truth was, is and will always be REAL
be THERE

so WHY a "helper" would be limited to time and space?


i came to this natural conclusion,
for i had experienced dialogue among deaf and blind
i could tell them the Light i was seeking,
the Truth that i had witnessed in others
and now trying hardly to find it
but they could not realise that what i was seeking was otherworldly

you see, you can never know of another world
if you have only lived into this one.

it is like a baby who cannot even encompass what an adult life is.

so i had seen IT, witnessed IT, felt IT,
but it was all in OTHERS
never in me

and back in France
the only thing i wanted
was to go back to uk
to be again with people of Light, of Ease and Peace
people of this Flowing Life

i could not stand being there
and each day for me was heavier than the preceding one
everyday i used to get up and wonder
why am i still alive
why God has shown me Light and removed me from it
that was really feeling like going on the highest place ever possible
and then being crushed down equally, with the same strength.

Getting all that you have ever wanted, to witness the Light
and becoming right after so blind
i could not lit the light ...

then, as a last chance to myself
for that was my natural inner ultimatum
either i make it or i die
i wanted to KNOW for SURE
HOW MAY I KNOW THAT I BELONG TO GOD?!

the more i was trying to "go back" to the past
the more the past was becoming a story
and everyday i was feeling the light going away
i felt it also reducing in my heart
all was going away
and i was in sheer doubt,
how could i know what Truth is?

for if i had experienced Truth in UK
then it could not leave me?
for truth never leaves

but it has left,
and everyday as i said it,
i could feel less and less light in heart,
less joy and no more promises of Grace

so, how could i dare to wish for Truth now?
for, if i wish for it again, could i give it a chance doubtlessly?
after having hurt myself so much?

this puzzle was because of ONE word,
ASSOCIATION.

all that i experienced WAS INDEED TRUTH
but i took the light in others as being the one i had to grab OUTSIDE OF MYSELF
while these were JUST TRUE EXAMPLES, pointers, ayah, evidence, SIGNS
for me to do the SAME INSIDE OF ME.

and i made myself sick to death
for i could not grab a truth that was just an illusion.

truth, because the leader of these people has earned his own light,
he was self realised (meaning his inner energy;  kundalini had awakened)
but this i knew not before,

 while i had myself
to be RESPONSIBLE for my own inner awakening...

instead of seeing this same unity in him in me
i used to see myself worthless of it.
so i associated another concept to the one and ONLY truth :

that LIGHT is within me too!


so by then, i was stuck to the outside, and wondered:
how could i ever live, if i had lived the best of my wish already?
i had nothing to wish for, thus nothing to live for

i had hardly finished my higher studies
that i realised by looking ahead
that it is NOT the world i want to live in
i looked ahead and saw
i saw routine,
to get up, to work, to come back
and restarting this AGAIN
and inbetween, here and there some joyous moments
as if one is a thirsty person who has TO WAIT FOR MOMENTS OF JOY
OF TRUTH

and just to get married and have children
and themselves they will start again the same circle
i was appalled
was it this? this was LIFE?
NO! that is NOT what i had imagined or expected,
it could not be SO FIXED
and how could people be satisfied just with it?

if i was created
if i was given a brain to ponder
a heart to desire
it was NOT to limit them to that vision!

and if a wish exists, then OBVIOUSLY
it has been created to be EXPERIENCED
it has been created so that it may see itself!
at some point, somewhere!
but it has to be so
however long it takes
it has to be so,

i have to see it
admire it
the wish has to feel the peace to have reached its goal
otherwise WHY it would exist?

Gracious God is ALL GOOD
then there has to be a solution.
somewhere

i sought for Absolute Truth,
i sought for another level of life
the one i am certain of
with no doubt
that be EXACTLY as my heart would desire it
all satisfied with it

it is said time is short
waste it not
then, i wanted that all of my past time also be reactualised
into a time all blessed
to its maximum of its potential

like a seed, it has ALL in it,
so i wanted God to make it GROWS to its maximal potential EVER

to reach the place
for which the Messengers and prophets have been sent
and to reach it as never ever any man or woman has!

i wanted to know
WHAT THE MESSAGE OF THE MESSENGERS IS

for God sake,
what is the MESSAGE?
we keep saying it,
but no one tells it clearly
WHAT IS THE MESSAGE?

IN CONCRET MANNER
in what terms it revolutions LIFE?
what is then the denial we are into?
for it there is a message, it means before we ARE in ignorance and denial.
but people are ready to hammer the fact there is a message,
but not the consequence that you have to be dead ready to accept your own denial! to see it!FINALLY.

LA ILAHA ILLA ALLAH
why do you think, the MESSAGE called affirmation of faith, starts with a NEGATION?
we negate our current FALSE state,
of identification with CONCEPTS

SO THAT
FINALLY

We may REALISE
KNOW WITH THE TRUE MIND
not with the ego!

THAT WE ARE
THE PURE LIGHT WITHIN
I AM THAT I AM.

QUL HU WALLHU AHAD
Say I AM THE ONE

yes, i have the right to desire it
for it is from my heart
for God has created me for IT!
i have not been created in vain
and i have been created with free will

and what if my heart wish was that?

to be the BEST version of a human being?
not caring on any duality of male or female,
nor being limited by traditions,
or letting it lessened by any notions such as "too late",
"it is past", "time has been wasted", "you are not qualified for it"
"this is for such and such kind of elite"

always conditions,
never open FIELD of LOVE

can't we wish for that kind of Life goal?

and why being ashamed of our heart desire?
who are faceless people, theories or concepts
to tell you what you should desire or not?

is it not enough to have a natural desire, for it to be VALID?

it is.
and it is the case for everyone too.
it all depends on our true desire,
and our natural persistence for it.

i knew not what i was concretely seeking
all i knew was that i would recognise it when i see it.

that it has to be a CERTITUDE to me
and no-doubt state should be its mark.

i gave my inner ultimatum
to myself
that Heaven and earth are witness,
i did my best
and that now i take the quran, with the intend to find God.

life has no meaning
if you are not satisfied with it

in uk, even the simplest thing was joy and happiness to me
because inside, was a storehouse of rejoicement
rejoicing with the company of likehearted people
just their company made my heart filled with this happiness
with no reason

but i was still dependent on the outside
they were with their own light
and i was brought their just to witness
and understand that this very joy is within me.

but so far, my life has never given me this testimony that
this light and joy is within me
so i could not value such conclusion

"how come? if it had been within me
i wouldn't have missed it!
i would have not led such a miserable life

you see, never people like to realise
after having toiled so much
that they could have led a nicer life a lot more easier

because it is ego-breaking to them, heart-breaking as they call it,

it is the fatal moment when you have to surrender to that ease and peace.

but we are afraid,
afraid that we wasted so much time?
all of this for nothing?

yes, to break through time and space,
we have to surrender
totally
without inner hiding
to the truth
that this Light, of ease, peace and more
has always been within
and we have been blind to IT.