Thoughtless consciousness

i was running the stairs
and suddenly when i sat down,
my mind went blank, and it was all silence
with no thoughts at all

and i could even try to watch (?) the silence in my head

then, i tried to use thoughts to see what will happen.

it felt as if thoughts could not rise
and when they could
they would die
as if they were lacking air

then, again, i observed
this time i felt as if they could not progress in their length

as in this extract, where thoughts are growing USUALLY so :

"Thought -- to call it by a prouder name than it deserved -- had let its line down into the stream.  It swayed, minute after minute, hither and thither among the reflections and the weeds, letting the water lift it and sink it, until -- you know the little tug -- the sudden conglomeration of an idea at the end of one's line:  and then the cautious hauling of it in, and the careful laying of it out?  Alas, laid on the grass how small, how insignificant this thought of mine looked; the sort of fish that a good fisherman puts back into the water so that it may grow fatter and be one day worth cooking and eating."

-Virginia Woolf

so, they were not progressing in their development,
it was as if they were hurting a wall and crashing and dying
they could not stand erected
they had to die

actually at the end thoughts do die
it is just that it is better they die before we die
so that we die in a FREED state.


again, i watched and tried to raise thoughts,
and this time i felt like they could not even be raised
and stand
for they were lacking a backing,
the backing of attention!

so they were born by the attention,
meaning like thoughts are charcoal being born/carried by waggons of a train
and there was no attention/waggon to bear them...
so it meant that the whole attention at this very moment was NOT on the thoughts
but where? on the spirit? i feel not, for i was not feeling joy
so they were where? on the central channel, i guess. though i could not feel the vibes.

and finally, i watched again,
and that time i felt they were just lacking the strength to stand up
so they were lacking life force/fuel to exist

then, it hit me that air/attention/fuel of life force
they were in a way all elements air/ether?/fire

so it does make sense that when we get the five elements under control
(like our digestion is NOT under our conscious control, but in the subconscious level it is being operated,
so once we can control even our digestion, heart beat etc. then we are in full charge, mastery of our selves, so are we on the five elements. and we can  control it only when light/vibes SINK into it, deep down.)

yes, it is all about where we place our attention,
when placed on the central channel and on the vibes,
then we are detached and this make us free.

but when attention is itself attached to elements then these elements are feeding our own dependency
and strengthening our thoughts linked to them, for they are the base of them.