Being good to ourselves

may be is one of the few first-time
i realised or felt quickly what awareness is
if i am not wrong on using this word

i was working
and somehow did a mistake 
of appreciation in making the right choice

i even forget what it was about really
but i happened to smile to myself
and incredibily enough!
it is as if another "i" in me
felt the smile it was directed to

and this "i" that was in the heart
felt a very lovely and soft feeling
that was warm

it astonished me

because it is rare
usually i realise
we hardly smile
and if we do
we smile at others
and very rarely to ourselves..

and even if we do
in very rare occasion
then we don't really feel it
is just on the face
but it reaches not our own heart

and when you get used to a pattern
you can't know what warmth you are missing out
all the while, isn't it?

and so
for me
was like one "i" - say my personality
genuinely smiled to "myself"
the self in me
and this is different from the claim to smile to ourselves
because this time was true
only for the fact that my attention was really inside me
and this is why it reached my heart

and i felt my own heart
-as it is were a different personality
say the spirit within
as it is the love is the heart attribute-
who did receive the smile
and a daft of warmth went out of it

and in return my own personality
who sent it
received it back

and now
when i think of it
it felt as if i was not alone working
because there was this exchange
so it felt as if i was with someone else

ah i have tears in my eyes
so good it felt
and also so simple
now i remember
to feel happy in one's own presence

i am
it seems
getting the natural hang
of loving myself

which i had forgotten
by not letting go
and letting my attention out
or on some plans, worries and so on.

and this balance
of bringing back attention within
came by me realising
that each behavior is allowed
and there is no self blame
(so i learn to be soft and loving to myself)

as long as i consciously let go
by using meditation for once
and second,
if i learn to get back the power
i gave to others out of misplaced trust

for i learn
that sometimes we expect others to change their behavior
more or less unconsciously
thinking their aim is to improve
so while waiting for this change
we forget to let go
as we are waiting
see?
and of course
waiting goes not without accumulation of pressure
and this leads to lack of balance
be it in terms of dislike, anger, hate, frustration etc.

the best decision to ever do
is always to be loving to oneself first and foremost
let go of expecting good/self-correction from others
for this very rarely happen as a free-willed consistent behavior
which in turns lead us to reclaim our power back

and as our attention is really
as a whole where it should be
imagine
even the little things
such as a good thought directed to ourself
or even a smile
not mentioning any other good work!
everything is sent back to you
by your own heart
and that is first time i realised

why it is said
when you do good
God give it back to you 10 times more

is because to start with
good
is only when you attention is IN
and not some conventional "good"
expected from you by societal norms

second
as you have free will
if you choose to do a good action
this choice is say mental first?

and as your attention is inside
the good is received by your own heart
and heart power is much more powerful
than the mental power, isn't it?

hence it is said you get at LEAST 10 times more
and i think even in some hadith it is said
could be rewarded 70 000 times more
or as much as God want

because now i understand
it all depends on the purity of your heart
and thus its power to nourish you back with the good you sent forth

extending on that
when you learn to be good to yourself
which is like learning to walk
then you can learn to be good to others
which is aliek to learning to run

and thus
whoever tells you
you are not good enough
or match not "my standard of goodness"
know that this person is lying
because truth is what you know about the experience you do of yourself
with your own attention.

good night
kiss:x