Power of awareness

woa
it is second time in my life
i felt so
this time not as strong as the first time

here what happened
i was writing
and suddenly
is like the shawl i was wearing zoom out somehow?
so much that it came into my attention

can one say is like the shawl was alive?
or with a consciousness?
and after when my attention got caught by it
the feeling i felt
can only be -unfortunately written in word
though there were no words or voice-

is like i felt
love out of the shawl
isn't it amazing?

a living thing
emitting love
but also
is like i saw
that this shawl was put on me
out of love by mother earth
because i could see like the action of having being covered
by a loving hand

writing it i assured myself
that indeed i am not drunk
lol
i never drink
hehehe

but this reminded me
of what happened in 2005
because when i was praying
i literally felt love being emitted from the clothes i was wearing
and i felt with a great clarity the kindness and care with which
the earth let the clothes loose enough by adjusting the gravity
so that clothes could hang so naturally on my body
not too strained due to a disproportioned gravity
nor too loose due to a lower one like on the moon lol

by then i knew not
but i think this is awareness side effect
isn't it?

because stuff changes not
only our perception
which quality can increase
only if your attention is within
and the awareness has this quality to let you see love
which is all around

even love emitted by your own clothes
ah i feel loved lol

Being good to ourselves

may be is one of the few first-time
i realised or felt quickly what awareness is
if i am not wrong on using this word

i was working
and somehow did a mistake 
of appreciation in making the right choice

i even forget what it was about really
but i happened to smile to myself
and incredibily enough!
it is as if another "i" in me
felt the smile it was directed to

and this "i" that was in the heart
felt a very lovely and soft feeling
that was warm

it astonished me

because it is rare
usually i realise
we hardly smile
and if we do
we smile at others
and very rarely to ourselves..

and even if we do
in very rare occasion
then we don't really feel it
is just on the face
but it reaches not our own heart

and when you get used to a pattern
you can't know what warmth you are missing out
all the while, isn't it?

and so
for me
was like one "i" - say my personality
genuinely smiled to "myself"
the self in me
and this is different from the claim to smile to ourselves
because this time was true
only for the fact that my attention was really inside me
and this is why it reached my heart

and i felt my own heart
-as it is were a different personality
say the spirit within
as it is the love is the heart attribute-
who did receive the smile
and a daft of warmth went out of it

and in return my own personality
who sent it
received it back

and now
when i think of it
it felt as if i was not alone working
because there was this exchange
so it felt as if i was with someone else

ah i have tears in my eyes
so good it felt
and also so simple
now i remember
to feel happy in one's own presence

i am
it seems
getting the natural hang
of loving myself

which i had forgotten
by not letting go
and letting my attention out
or on some plans, worries and so on.

and this balance
of bringing back attention within
came by me realising
that each behavior is allowed
and there is no self blame
(so i learn to be soft and loving to myself)

as long as i consciously let go
by using meditation for once
and second,
if i learn to get back the power
i gave to others out of misplaced trust

for i learn
that sometimes we expect others to change their behavior
more or less unconsciously
thinking their aim is to improve
so while waiting for this change
we forget to let go
as we are waiting
see?
and of course
waiting goes not without accumulation of pressure
and this leads to lack of balance
be it in terms of dislike, anger, hate, frustration etc.

the best decision to ever do
is always to be loving to oneself first and foremost
let go of expecting good/self-correction from others
for this very rarely happen as a free-willed consistent behavior
which in turns lead us to reclaim our power back

and as our attention is really
as a whole where it should be
imagine
even the little things
such as a good thought directed to ourself
or even a smile
not mentioning any other good work!
everything is sent back to you
by your own heart
and that is first time i realised

why it is said
when you do good
God give it back to you 10 times more

is because to start with
good
is only when you attention is IN
and not some conventional "good"
expected from you by societal norms

second
as you have free will
if you choose to do a good action
this choice is say mental first?

and as your attention is inside
the good is received by your own heart
and heart power is much more powerful
than the mental power, isn't it?

hence it is said you get at LEAST 10 times more
and i think even in some hadith it is said
could be rewarded 70 000 times more
or as much as God want

because now i understand
it all depends on the purity of your heart
and thus its power to nourish you back with the good you sent forth

extending on that
when you learn to be good to yourself
which is like learning to walk
then you can learn to be good to others
which is aliek to learning to run

and thus
whoever tells you
you are not good enough
or match not "my standard of goodness"
know that this person is lying
because truth is what you know about the experience you do of yourself
with your own attention.

good night
kiss:x

Check-in for Heaven

yesterday
again before sleeping i meditated
this time i prayed
to truly let go

because i so quickly forget
to let go
really it needs bravely to let go

is really easy to be brooding
but to let go
is such a new effort

anyway
if i don't let go
what would make me different from others?
is really important to be brave
even if on the spot
the power felt in that position
is satisfying

but is temporary

after you are stuck
really

but now i contemplate
to let go
on the spot is like the feeling of being defeated
but i guess
as i have not succeeded it yet
after it should be a liberating feeling.

anyway
once i prayed so
i saw in vision

that i was in space
or in the starry sky
and there was a scroll that unrolled
and i signed it

actually :)
was the check-in for heaven
is funny vision

but it shows
that to enter heaven
you should have light vibes

if your vibes become densers
then you go back to hell
it makes sense

and i don't like playing yo-yo
with my eternal life..

so one should always meditate
regularly and
let go even more often.
Ameen

The Living Buddha :) at 2:48am

as i was going to sleep
i saw a buddha or its statue in lying position

and i saw light raising up from its belly like a cool fire.

i got the vision when praying to my spirit
that i should love myself more

i never post at 2:48am
even less when i am deliciously ready to sleep

but as is so important
i felt the need to post it :)

sleep time now
kiss:x

Bargain between Earth and Heaven :))))

here is the most beautiful bargain
i ever heard of
lol

my fiancé is always head in the air
meaning that
once he is focused in one stuff
he just keeps doing it
and forget the real life reality

so he is out of touch with earth plane
lol
i need to call him back on earth

may be he is some kind of air balloon?
always in the sky? in the heaven?

and me
once i am off with work
some kind of sleep deprivation
makes me never maintain my early morning meditation
at same time every day


at some point he said
"
I need you to remind me of the earth
while you need me to remind you of heaven"

woa this put a blank in my mind
i found that spontaneous saying
totally beautiful...

and is so complementary

because i am such a reasonable person
down to earth really
lol
when i have something to do
i just plan it well
somehow i do the best i can
so that the moment be given  the best i have

and he
from the earth point of view
is the most messy person i have ever seen!
lol
not messy in the negative sense
but messy from the earthly point of view

because he is in heaven
head in the sky
floating in the air-borne dreams
and once he is fully devoted in his dream
and working hard for it

you can be sure
that the earth gets angry!
:)))))

because somehow
the earth needs its rain
and if the rain is too much stuck in the clouds
then is no good for the earth to remain thirsty
lol
kapish?

becoming poetess now
hehehe

anyway
i end up on this beautiful poem
i got reminded of
while writing this post today:

look at love
by Mevlana Jelaluddin Rumi
English version by Nader Khalili

look at love
how it tangles
with the one fallen in love
look at spirit
how it fuses with earth
giving it new life
why are you so busy
with this or that or good or bad
pay attention to how things blend
why talk about all
the known and the unknown
see how the unknown merges into the known
why think separately
of this life and the next
when one is born from the last
look at your heart and tongue
one feels but deaf and dumb
the other speaks in words and signs
look at water and fire
earth and wind
enemies and friends all at once
the wolf and the lamb
the lion and the deer
far away yet together
look at the unity of this
spring and winter
manifested in the equinox
you too must mingle my friends
since the earth and the sky
are mingled just for you and me
be like sugarcane
sweet yet silent
don’t get mixed up with bitter words
my beloved grows right out of my own heart
how much more union can there be

 source : http://www.poetry-chaikhana.com/blog/2011/09/23/mevlana-jelaluddin-rumi-look-at-love/