Remembering the past

suddenly i just remembered my past
when i was seeking truth
and there was no one
really no one

to hear me
no one was in my world

yes
for someone to be in your world
he needs to listen to you
to share something
even a little thought of truth with you
but there was no one

and those who were the most "near"
by then to the title of seeker of truth
or of the worshipper of the One

where all blind
because they could not see me how i was
they heard me talking in order to change me
because i was not fitting in their world
and it was a proof against them
but they never listened to me.

so their own pain was 
of seeing me like this,
sad because i found not what i was seeking,

so to solve their pain
they only thought
the right solution
was that i became like them

while some others
just deserted
may be they were better than the formers

because at least
they were not trying to color me in their own color
against my will

they only saw no solution
to help me find truth
so they stopped believing in me
ever reaching it

but when nothing left
and i only saw everyone
just helpless for me

i understood
they are unable to hear me
because themselves
they cannot hear their own self

they think all is ok within them
so how can they wish themselves to change for the better?
as a result they wanted to change others
and me too
thinking i had lost mind
seeking and speaking about truth
while all that was, was the life in the now

but themselves
if they had the true words
they were not living them
they were not and still are not living in the now

it was such a hard time
it was hell to me
i had really reached the end of all possibility
of my own world, religion as man understand it

i sought all over
towards the end
i sought fervently, asking even to strangers about inner truth
but all they could do was just give me dead word of advice
nothing real
nothing that could transform me into the likeness of the world of truth

that was so hard
because innerly i knew i was coming to my end
for, i knew that all the past ten years i had sought for truth

whenever i used to do zikr
or read good lines
or any sufi translation and interpretation of some inner self meaning
i felt day dreaming
and the dreams were gradually becoming my hopeful world
because they were so much filled with beauty about God

even though by word
i knew God is within
i took dreams, which were only the effect of this search,
as real, as my reality
thinking they would help me to make right choice in real life
these dreams were true
but they were not giving me the key of what is surrender to God
and how i could achieve it

so i just wished surrender
because  this would have been my protection
against this crazy world
where only living, working, eating, marrying and reproducing was an aim

as i had tried every possibility
i knew i was at the end

because i tested my belief
i tested people who claimed to be on the right path
and i found nothing
no one

as no help was coming
i did with what i have
when i looked into myself
i saw that the only thing that remained
while i lost everything
because it passed not the test
it was my desire

and so i admitted to myself
that only my desire for truth is left to me
and that is the only thing true in me
and that if this very thing could not be fulfilled
or if it cannot get a reply
if it cannot just by Itself attract what is to be attracted
for me to progress
then
i was at the end of my life

even if people who "cared" for me
thought they were being caring
by wanting me to be like them
and forget this desire
then they were not caring for me
but only for themselves
for their own world to exist
and me as exception to be converted
to the rules of theirs
so that everything goes back to normal

but even so,
even if i had wished to comply
i could not
because the desire was there
and nothing could change It
remove it or make me forget it

it was like it was just me

so i could hear it crying
can one say so?
can a desire cry?
at least i was the one crying

one may think
how is it possible to cry for something so abstract
but it was not
it was just the underlying drive
it was my drive

and a drive left unfulfilled
becomes your hell
if not your heaven


but when i found the key
to get colored into the color of God
when i found the Help of the Spirit
this is when i cried from relief
so heavy it had been prior to it

and only those who are aware of This spirit within
know it
see it
and are with me.

since then
i was never alone
i learned again to forget this painful striving
and leave it in the past
because it was like a torture

never ever in my life i had lived that
nor i will ever live it
it feels like i had reached the bottom of a bottomless pit

just before my life changed for the best
i had seen joyous signs paving the way to it

while doing zikr in my room
i had seen all of a sudden
Mother mary taking out water out of well
and then i saw her
washing her small tiny room where she used to live
and her face was beaming with joy
because she was happy and yes in joy to wash it
face beaming with joy
and a heart so content
you know why?
because all of her attention was on this single task
and she was all at joy and peace on this unique thing she was doing

then i got my spontaneous self realisation

and right the night after i saw in a vision
my own birth

later,
i understood
that it was what in christianity
jesus called "to be born twice,
first of flesh, then of water"

even after that
if i had remained on my own
i would have never lasted long
it is ONLY because of a kind fate
can one say so?

that i found my way to progress
to transformation
to change for the best.

so, only the remembering of the past
can truly make me appreciative of the now
but i sort of worked hard to forget it
not to have to remember
how people are in truth
their own enemies
and thus of their own kind,

unknowingly.

yes, they think to do good
but they most of time only do the wrong thing
they think to help
but have been only been the very obstacle

because they are ignorant of their self
so are oblivious to them and thus to the other seeker of truth.

i hope
i will use my time
to the best of its use

by meditating everyday
to the best of my ability.


ameen.

Great Movie!

i was watching a movie,

well there was this spiritual dude in it
well i loved him for his curiosity
always seeking

with the only rule
"that i MAKE THE RULES"

so powerful!

well at some point
when he was facing his biggest fear
and his belief was challenged

as to what was before universe
for he was aware that there is always his ability to create beyond the (created) universe

but the before universe
was there lying and chained
the idea of fear
the idea of darkness

and he faced it
stood tall
and his excellent acting

made me feel as he felt

this innerly gut feeling arising
this gut feeling FULL of POWER

that arise and transpierce your eyes
and illuminate your head
WITH THE KNOWLEDGE
that you are ALL KNOWING the traits of the situation where you are
and that there is nothing to feel threatened with
or to fear

and you stand tall
and firm
and full of power

with this powerful gut feeling
of being RIGHT
the rightness being your search of experience
where you test yourself
and see
therefore
thanks to this test
that only Your SELF exist
meaning
that no situation is outside of yourself

so even less threatening the you

and this realisation
makes you stand tall
that you have always been safe
and are safe

forever.

ps : will have to add the movie link
... later
well, if i still desire it :))

pps : was having a talk sooner with an italian guy
he told me he was very very much disappointed by the French low level
of savoir être and lack of self honesty, meaning hypocrisy

well, i say,
i don't care 
last week, having experienced enough of it
i stopped caring for people who care not for themselves
it is like a pitless well
the more you try to share
the less they get

plus, the total lack of HONEST sharing
is the USELESS thing

you are what you are on the spot
but there are too much pretending and calculation
and people think i don't see it on their face
i can even hear their thoughts
so much they are serving them - like slaves

so he stopped wasting his time as well

better live life for joy
then to expect to see people improve
very very very
have i said very?

very rare are the people who are daring with themselves
and TRUE.

Indian store - anger benefit

Anger and outburst

it is rare that i become angry
but when i become angry is really because
the person is at the least displaying stupidity to hurt you OPENLY

yesterday we went to an indian store to buy
some stuff
accompanied by three other girls

let me tell you
the sort of indian man we met
he was so happy that we wanted to buy 10 clothes
that in his haste of getting things done

he did not pay attention to us as a human being lol

see that :

we told him
bring the SAME RED color
the SAME clothes

he said yes yes

later,

he brought us another red
thinking what?

money of course

anyway,
we told him
but it is not same red
and he said
well it is the light,
the neon light which is affecting ...!

really take us for numbnuts!
i said to myself

second,
when we said him no
he became angry

and accused us of having made him
work for nothing

and i exploded
not only the man DID a mistake
but also TOPPED it with accusation
while it is his fault
he had to assure himself of the right color
we did not ask him to bring it ANYWAY
but bring the SAME color

and later put the cherry of insult!

so i turned my anger at him
and told him this above
i really hate bad will people with such stupidity
as to PURPOSELY LIE and deform reality in FRONT OF MY FACE

and ACCUSE me of that!

of course,
the other girls thought it was unbalanced behavior
for the image of the "spirit" is love and compassion

but that which you understand not
is that ON THE SPOT you ARE what you ARE
you PRETEND NOT
pretending is the LAST thing to do
if you repress your disagreement, anger or discontent
under the pretext of what the spirit quality is
then you will never let your defect come out
into your attention

so that the energy may purify you with.

For at some point,
you will reach one day your breaking point
and you WILL lose your temper,
and become angry at the WRONG person, at the WRONG time
and it would be a greater catastrophe for you
than to settle things ON THE SPOT

so ONLY when you realise your DEFECT
that you can gain KNOWLEDGE of yourself
and THEN let the Power of God purify you.

and FOR that to happen
RIGHT after it
i SHOULD use the cycles
so that my GOD WITHIN HEALS me from that anger.

for no MENTAL effort of "letting go" will work
as we will ALWAYS come back speaking of it to others
ONLY God power erase your anger and heals you from it.

and that is the ONLY way
if you don't want to reincarnate
due to that anger.

and the day
your belly is ALL healed
then, you will know it
and on the spot in front of such people
you won't even feel bothered
and only smile and laugh it out

so it is NOT about the others
NOR about your self-control or manners...
it is about your INNER healing

and to heal
first you need to let your anger emerge
second ON THE SPOT
use the cycles to let God heals you.

and 


so i say,
don't pretend
don't be uptight ass,

BE YOURSELF

and then,
one day,
you will realise, and this for sure, that you are the SPIRIT.

but this does not take an attitude
or EFFORT to remain self-composed
this take HONESTY to (be) oneself on the spot

to PROTECT your soul rights, first and foremost
(i wonder why yogis speak not of soul, atman?? hello?)

second, to KNOW where your limits lies
and THEN to LET IT GO for the energy to purify it for you.

i prefer to settle things on spot
than to become overpowered by them on the wrong place, wrong time and heavier consequences.

kiss:x

ps : people make mistake
because their care is NOT on the person
they lack empathy
therefore they assume that provided they are ticking their box
and get their things done
all SHOULD be ok
and if not ok
then they consider it NOT as an error
but as a weirdo reaction coming from the other

hello?
error is not what you think precision/or manners are missing
error is when you forget to have care/empathy,
and expect the other to get ticked into a box!

then things go wrong
and this is an error.

and the worst is when people recognise not
or are unable to see their error
because they are lacking empathy
not because they are all bad willed

they are simply lacking heart qualities.