Looking back at my life

I have to write
some Praise about Spirit
from my experience

again as i was flipping through old files
i realised
all that GOOD PRECIOUS GEM
MY NEW LIFE is

ALL THAT WAS BAD IN MY PAST LIFE

hardly nothing at first
except when i arrived by the end of the road
and could not see anything else
to help me grow spiritually

then
PAIN started
the pain of knowing something BEAUTIFUL exists as new world
but there is NO ONE WILLING TO HELP ME

the pain of
KNOWING THE SOLUTION IS THERE
even guessing is inside
YET BEING UNABLE TO GET IT

then
the emotions of pain
RECORDED IN CITTA/ in my consciousness
that kept popping up
every day
and even stronger
and making me ill to death

only God knows
how ill inside i was
as He healed me later

and then the pain
of knowing that FAMILY see the pain
but they think they are helping
by wanting you to be like them
YET THEY WERE JUST
IGNORANTLY BEING SELFISHLY UNCARING

cause is what you are
when you want others to look like you

in truth.

and what was GOOD
when SPIRIT POPPED UP IN MY LIFE

I gained health
I got saved from pain, and painful memories

cause i experienced how even strong spiritual teachers
are human being after all
and according to their selfishness they are not matching
what only your own SOUL can match
and that is TRUE SELF LESS CARE

i had realised how selfish a person could become
i realised how the HUGE issue of sufi was the EGO
speaking of Ego and yet not telling you that nothing is bad about ego
except that you are just missing the reality of your own true nature that is Spirit
and that could be revealed and remembered by you in a gentle way

instead of being mocked at
or creating some inside group elitism
illness that i also saw in the so called yogi organisation
rule of thumb organisation is a plea
stay away from it

once spirituality gets organised
be sure it will become some sort of sect at worse
and hold much limitation to your progress at best

groups and a teacher
YET are MOST important to create a GOOD ATMOSPHER
AS an INSPIRATIONAL GUIDELINE

cause it is what i partly miss nowadays

now my current limitation is
spirit does let you FREE
with your FREE WILL

but what i miss most
are real guidelines to feel inspired day by day
so that the next day i become a better version of myself than the day before

i feel i am missing
that motivation to wish for more
as i feel quite broken by what i saw so far of people behavior

what people most lack
is honesty, sincerity and the willingness to give others some space to be themselves and shine their own light

but truthfully speaking
i have no more wish to shine my light
cause i can let it shine
but no one really sees it
nor partake in it

at least
i am grateful that i have a good vision of myself when i look back
at what i was and what i am

now

Ameen.